


What We Were, What We Will Be

by Pline



Series: My Yesterdays Walk With Me [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: (nothing graphic) - Freeform, Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt Danny, M/M, No Spoilers, Ohana, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Steve, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 21:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8261132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: There's a reason Danny is so angry, a reason he hasn't shared with anyone.It isn't until a case hits too close to home, that Danny finally reveals his darkest secret.Thankfully, he isn't alone. His ohana has his back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just starting the show, but this idea wouldn't let go of me until I wrote it down. So just assume this takes place sometime early in the show, like before season five I guess. It doesn't really matter, to be honest.

 

 

> "What we remember from childhood we remember forever — permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen."
> 
> Cynthia Ozick
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

There’s a reason Danny is so angry.

It’s the same reason he became a cop. The same reason the idea of his daughter on the beach is so painful.

Danny smiles and laughs but underneath, at all times, even if he does not fully realize it, he is angry.

So angry it scares him.

And it’s stupid, but even his anger angers him. He doesn’t want to be so angry, every time someone tells him to calm down, to relax, he just gets this hot consuming urge to yell at them, because he can’t, alright, he can’t!

He knows people see it. It often amuses them, how fast he can get angry at little unimportant things.

“It’s just a coffee, Danny, chill,” they tell him.

“Why you so mad, man? You’ll buy another tie,” they tell him.

“It’s barely a scratch, Danno, calm down,” they tell him.

But he can’t, he can’t, he gets angrier and angrier, and one day he might just explode.

He is so mad at the world, at himself, at what made him so angry.

He wants to yell and kick and punch and scream some more.

“Why are you so angry, Danny Williams?”

All the words leave him.

He knows but he won’t say. Won’t make it real. Won’t accept it.

And he hates himself and he hates the world, but still he says nothing.

 

* * *

 

The past is an ever-present shadow that is always following you. Even when you think you left it behind, it always finds a way to come back to haunt you.

Danny has learned that lesson well.

Hawaii is completely different from New Jersey, a fact that Danny is always reminded of, and is always reminding everyone else of.

From the pizza to the weather, the two places could as well be different worlds.

But everywhere on the planet, people are the same, for better or worse. In his line of work, Danny mostly sees the worst.

The thing is, he has often seen cases that reminded himself of his own story. He is at the angriest then, and people just assume it’s because it’s kids. Those cases are always hard on cops.

It’s different for him.

He never told anyone, but he thinks Grace knew. His partner was smart and perceptive, and there were several instances where he _knew_ she had figured it out.

They never talked about it.

And then she died.

 

* * *

 

Five-0 is investigating the abduction of Gerard Lewis, a football coach in a difficult neighborhood of Molokai.

The case should be an easy one. Lewis has been taken in broad daylight and the moment has been caught in camera.

Jake Alika is a seventeen year-old kid with no criminal record, and no one understand why he would do such a thing. According to everyone the team interviewed, Lewis is a “pillar of the community”, a “good man” who always “takes care of the kids” and “gives them a purpose”.

Alika is on his way to a football scholarship that will take him out of Molokai to college.

Then, why jeopardize his chance at a better future by kidnapping his coach?

It does not make sense, and the team can’t find either of the men.

What they do find is Alika’s younger brother, Andy, barely a teenager, who tried running when he saw them arrive.

The boy, still a kid really, refuses to say anything to them, just glare at them with a hatred that’s surprising for such a young person.

(Danny has a nagging feeling in his guts, telling him they’re the same. It’s not something he can explain, it’s not rational. He just knows.)

They decide against putting him in the interrogation room, they don’t want to spook him, and even Steve is against being physical with a teenager.

Lewis has been gone for two hours.

Kono tries to be soothing, Steve does his best scary SEAL impression, Chin just sits and stares.

Nothing works, and only Danny hasn’t tried talking to the kid. He can’t look at him and risk seeing himself in him, see the fear behind the anger.

“Well, I guess that only leaves us with the Jersey cop method. What do you say?”

Danny remains silent. The only thing he can hear is his own heart beating.

“Danno?”

“I’m going to try something,” he rasps, surprising himself with the dryness of his voice.

“You alright, brah?”

He nods at Chin without looking at him. It’s a lie, he’s far from being okay. He’s about to face his own demons, his own personal hell. They don’t know what’s wrong, and he doesn’t have to see them to sense their confusion.

They’ll understand soon enough.

He breathes in, looks at Andy who is still glaring at them from his seat.

“Don’t intervene, okay, just… Don’t.”

They’re worried, he can feel it. It doesn’t matter.

For the first time in what feels like forever, he feels his anger recede, and all he has left is a deep-bone exhaustion.

Andy does not even glance his way when he sits in front of him. Danny takes the chance to observe him. He sees the anger, bright and all-consuming, but he also sees the scared confused kid beneath. He wonders if he looked like that at the same age.

“When I was seven, I started baseball in a club,” Danny says. “I was so happy, I dreamed about it for so long, the team was great, the coach was nice, really, it was amazing.”

“I don’t care about your life, man,” Andy says, venom on his tongue and thunder in his eyes.

“The thing is,” he continues as if he hasn’t been interrupted, “the more I went to baseball practice, the more I became angry, less stable, less focused. My parents wondered if something was going on, but with three other kids, they didn’t really have time to investigate. After all, I’d always been a bull-headed kid, right. It was normal, they thought, just boys being boys. But it wasn’t just that.”

Andy frowns, clenches his jaw.

Behind him, Danny knows Steve, Kono and Chin are listening, perplexed.

“I think we’re the same.”

“We’re nothing alike,” he snaps, suddenly glaring at Danny. “You don’t know shit about me.”

“Don’t I?” Danny pushes. “I think you know why I was so angry, still am if I’m being honest, I think it’s the same reason why you are angry. Why your brother kidnapped Lewis.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

They’re staring at each other, refusing to back off.

“My coach, everyone loved him. Everyone knew him, he trained countless kids for decades. If he was walking down the street, you could be sure half the people would be telling him hello.”

Andy looks away.

“But there’s a thing only a few knew about my coach. Only his boys I guess, the best of the team. The ones who stayed and practiced even after everyone else went home. The first time I got alone with him in the showers, when he bumped into me, I thought it was just an accident. But it kept happening. He… He did things to me.”

He hears Kono gasp.

“Your coach, he touched you, didn’t he? Like my coach touched me.”

Andy is still looking away, there are angry tears in his eyes. Danny’s heart clenches.

“I never told anyone, I was too scared. So I kept my mouth shut, he told me he’d hurt my siblings if I talked. I was too scared, and I think you’re scared too, I think your brother found out about Lewis, maybe you told him, or he understood because he was in your place before.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Andy screams. “Shut up! Shut up! You don’t know anything!”

They’re both standing up now, Danny can feel his team backing him up but he gestures them not to do anything.

“Andy, there’s a chance Lewis is still alive, and, trust me, I know how you feel, I want the bastard to suffer as much as you do, but this is not the way. Jake is going to go to jail if he kills him, and you could too.”

“I don’t care! Lewis deserves to die! You don’t know what he did to me!”

“Don’t throw it all away, Lewis took enough from you. Tell us where Jake is, don’t let your brother go to jail.”

“He kidnapped him, he’s going to jail anyway! And Lewis could walk free!”

Andy is crying, he looks so old, tired beyond his years.

“I won’t let that happen,” Danny swears, “I’ll vouch for you and your brother, I’ll make sure Lewis rots in jail forever.”

Andy shakes his head.

“Andy look at me. You’re not alone anymore, I won’t let you down. I won’t let him hurt you again. You can trust me.”

“I...”

Danny takes a step towards the boy who shies away.

“Andy.”

“Maybe I should go to jail, maybe I deserve it,” he whispers. “I never said anything, I’m sure there are others. I could have stopped it, but I said nothing.”

“Hey, listen to me, alright. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not your fault, okay. It is _not_ your fault. Lewis is a monster, what he did to you, it’s his doing and his alone. You cannot blame yourself.”

Andy laughs, dark and hollow.

“So what? Do you even follow your own advice? You're telling me you’re alright now? You forgave yourself, you moved on?”

“No, I didn’t. But I never got the closure, you can have it, maybe it’ll help. But anything will be better than having your brother in jail for murder, and you for accessory.”

Danny takes a deep breath, and adds: “His death won’t bring you peace, I can assure you that.”

Andy stares at him. He is shivering, his arms are crossed over his chest, he opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again.

“It’s okay, Andy, you’re not alone anymore. I won’t let you down. Just tell us where Jake is.”

“He’s… They’re at my uncle’s old cabin.”

Danny smiled softly at the kid, “you made the right choice.”

 

* * *

 

Closing a case is always a bittersweet feeling. Even when the criminals are caught and brought to justice, innocent lives have been lost or scarred beyond repairs.

This time, the case is personal and Danny feels so tired, his mouth is dry, as if filled with ash. He cannot bring himself to look at his team, so he buries himself in his office, hidden behind his computer.

Part of him knows they won’t judge him, but this part is replaced by the fears he has entertained for decades. What if they suddenly realize how weak, how pathetic he is? What if they can’t stand to look at him now? What if they’re disgusted by him?

Getting Jake to surrender has been difficult and emotionally draining with Danny baring his soul once again for his team to see. The kid hadn’t killed Lewis when they arrived, and with the help of Andy, they made Jake see reason.

Thank God, he thinks, thank God they were not too late. They may have a future yet. They may heal. Danny will make sure they have justice, he meant his promise, he will not let them down. He will be there for them every step of the way. He just hopes it will be enough.

HQ is quiet in a way it rarely is, or maybe the silence just sounds louder in Danny’s ears.

He has so much going through his mind it makes him dizzy. He can feel the others looking at him, but he stares at his screen. He can’t face them yet, he doesn’t think he’ll be ready for the questions they will be sure to ask him.

The last time Danny felt so vulnerable was when he stood up to Coach Barrinski, years and years ago, that day in his office. The thought feels like a punch to the gut.

But he is no longer a kid. He is a detective and a father, he should not be scared of talking to his friends. With that resolution in mind, he gets up, heart and legs heavy.

Chin and Kono look up, and Danny is relieved to see no pity in their eyes. He doesn’t think he would have been able to stand it. Steve joins them, but he lets some distance between them. It’s like Danny is facing a jury, he thinks darkly, him alone in front of them.

“I think we should talk.”

“You don’t have to,” Steve says.

“But if you need to, we’re here.”

“Chin’s right,” Kono adds. “We’re ohana. Don’t forget it, brah.”

Danny nods briskly, all words have left him. Kono walks up to him, she takes his hand in hers and squeezes it.

“This doesn’t change how we see you,” she says. “If anything, it makes me respect and admire you even more.”

“You shouldn’t,” he says, and his voice sounds raw and broken. He stares at the table, he can’t look at her, can’t look at any of them.

“Don’t say that, Danny. You can’t blame yourself for what happened to you, that’s what you said to Andy. And you were right, so don’t blame yourself.”

“Kono,” is the only thing he can manage.

“I’m sorry this happened to you, and I can’t pretend to understand how you feel, but I’m here for you. Chin and Steve are here for you.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Danny repeats. “I’m damaged. I’m a monster. Do you know what happened to him? My coach?”

Kono shakes her head. He stares at her, right into her eyes, if she's disturbed by his distress and anger, she does not show it.

“I killed him.”

She squeezes his hand, hard, but her eyes are still soft, comprehensive.

“I was fourteen and I killed him. I went to him, one night. I was the last one in the showers, and I told him I was gonna talk about what he did to me. I got another boy to promise he was gonna talk too. He knew he was done for, and he – he had a stroke. Right then, in front of me. I could have done something, but I just stood there and I watched as he died.”

“No one could blame you for that, the guy was a monster, not you, never you.”

“Kono, please, don’t, I – ”

“No. Listen to me. This isn’t on you. You need to see that. You were just a kid.”

“I took the opportunity of a trial away from the others. They’re never gonna get that closure.”

Danny catches a glimpse of Chin and Steve, before he once again looks away. Chin’s usual composed posture is betrayed by his concern, his hand is stretched towards Danny, suspended midair, as if ready to touch and comfort but unsure of its welcome.

Steve’s face is crumbled, all his thoughts bare to his friends. There is so much love and worry that it burns to look at him.

“Danny. This is not your fault,” Kono repeats.

“You don’t know, you – ”

“Do you blame Andy?”

“What? No! Of course I don’t.”

“Then why do you blame yourself?”

“It’s different.”

“How?”

Sensibly, he knows that he is a victim as much as Andy and Jake, but he feels so guilty, he can’t accept it. For years and years, he has felt the weight of his shame, clouding his judgment.

He takes a step back. He needs to breathe. His thoughts are racing, his lungs heavy, and he knows that he is minutes away from a panic attack. And he can’t, he can’t, he won’t, so he talks instead, focusing on his voice rather than his distressed mind.

“I should have been stronger. I should have said something. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t say anything. Once, my mum, she asked me if something was bothering me, and I almost told her. I was going to, and then I didn’t. Why didn’t I? Why was I so fucking weak? And even today, I’m still so full of rage, I’m so angry. And I now it’s affected me, but I don’t want it to affect me. Fuck, it’s been years, why am I still like this? Why am I not over it yet?”

His voice breaks. He realizes then that he is crying. For how long has he been crying? He shuts his eyes close.

_So weak, so pathetic, so disgusting, just a dirty little monster who wants to matter._

“It’s okay, Danny, just let it go.”

And so he does.

He breaks down, ugly sobs escaping his throat, he’s shaking, he can’t think, he can’t breathe, he’s on the ground, he doesn’t know how it happened, and he’s sobbing. He’s sobbing for the innocence that was robbed from him, for the self-hatred he has been carrying for so long, for all the hatred and rage he has been nurturing all his life.

He cries and he cries and he cries until he loses sense of himself.

The only things he can sense are Kono’s hand on his arm, Chin’s presence next to him, and Steve. Steve’s body against his back as he hugs him, Steve’s breath against his neck, Steve’s murmured words in his ear.

Danny has never understood more the meaning of Ohana as he does in that instant.

He is at his lowest, a broken mess, but they won’t leave him. They will stand by him through the ups and downs, and they won’t judge him.

After finally letting go of his secret, he feels calmer. He is not at peace, but for the first time in his life, he thinks he could be.

 

* * *

 

The ride to Steve’s house is silent. Danny is too exhausted, both emotionally and physically, to say anything. Words would be empty anyway. What could he say that'd convey everything that he’s feeling?

Steve seems to understand that he needs the quiet, because he says nothing, just puts his hand on Danny’s tight, a small gesture that anchors them both.

Danny wonders if this is going to change anything between them. A few weeks ago, Steve had hugged him after Danny got hurt on a case. They had been both tired then, both scared for the other’s life. They had kissed like they had been doing it everyday for years, easy and soft, an evidence.

They’d needed the reassurance, the passion had been there, of course, but it was much more about their feelings rather than anything carnal.

Since that first kiss, they decided to give it a try. There was no denying how they felt anymore, and they knew they could not go back to a plain friendship.

Everything has been going great between the two. Being an item hasn’t actually changed their dynamic all that much, for all their hesitation about trying a relationship.

(Chin joked it was because they’d been a couple for years, they just didn’t see it.)

What they have is good and precious, and Danny doesn’t want to ruin it because he is a wreck.

“Stop it,” Steve suddenly says.

They’re in the kitchen. Danny doesn’t even remember getting home, too focused on his fears to pay attention to the rest of the world.

“Stop what? You know you gotta use words if you want people to understand you, you Neanderthal.”

“Stop worrying.”

Danny rolls his eyes. Of course Mr Super SEAL would now exactly what’s nagging at his mind. Time to face the music, what point is there to pretend?

“I’m broken, Steve," he says. "I am. I’m also an asshole, and I talk too much, and I worry about everything. And that’s not even taking into account my height. What can you possibly see in me?”

Steve is in front of him in the blink of an eye, both his hands on Danny’s shoulders.

“You’re not broken, Danno. And even if you were, have you seen me? I’m a mess too. But together, we make good, we make a great team. Danny, you’re amazing.”

He scoffs.

“Shut up. You are,” Steve continues. “You’re strong, stronger than you realize. You’re an excellent detective and the best dad any kid could hope for. I’m not good with words, but I’ll try for you. I’ll do anything for you, okay? Danny, you’re it for me. There will never be anyone I could love as much as I love you.”

Danny practically throws himself at his lover, hiding his bright eyes in his shirt.

“You’re it for me too,” he mumbles against Steve’s heart. He can feel him laugh, joyous and relieved.

“Good,” is all he says.

They stay like that for awhile, just hugging, the sound of waves in the background, the smell of the ocean in the air.

When he arrived on Hawaii, Danny never thought he’d come to think of it as home, but he does. Steve is his home as much as Grace is, and he couldn’t imagine his life without Chin and Kono. Hell, he’d even miss Kamekona and Max if he had to leave.

His thoughts are interrupted by Steve clearing his throat, and he looks up at him.

“You know you can talk to me, yeah?” Steve asks.

“I know, Steven. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. We’re in this together. I’m always here for you like you’re always here for me.”

Danny smiles. He loves that damn idiot so much. And once again, Steve must be reading his mind, because he adds: “I love you. Nothing is going to change that, ever. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I’ll be here until you’re okay.”

“I already am, you goof.”

“Not as much as you could be though.”

Danny sighs.

“No, I suppose not. But I assure you, I’ve never felt so, I don’t know, serene maybe. I’m not great. I even wonder if I’ll ever be at peace with it, but it feels good having told you, and the team. I guess I never realized how much it affected me. I needed to say someone, to come clean. And, I don’t know, I feel lighter.”

Steve smiles softly, “I’m glad.”

“Come here, you giant dork.”

The kiss they share is sweet and full of promise.

_You’re not alone. I’m here. I’m never letting you go. We’ll be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> This story means a lot to me, and writing it has been really cathartic. My story is different in some ways, but I found myself in Danny, and him having been something similar as me is a headcanon I'll never let go of. So I just had to write it.
> 
> I hope you liked it, and that you didn't find it out of character.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
